WHY ALL TELEVISION SUCKS (OH WAIT, EXCEPT FOR HBO)

I remember reading an article sometime ago on the internets somewhere that TV was in it's "golden age." (EDIT http://www.avclub.com/articles/patton-oswalt,32085/ - Justin) The article went on to talk about shows like ABC's Lost and other crazy genre- defining shows are getting big ratings on major networks. While that may have been true a few years ago, I say fuck that noise. It seems every time I go on some nerdy website (read: AICN) I see "ZOMGZ SHOW X RATINGS PLUMMIT 43%".

I say this in response dear readers: yeah, no shit. TV Sucks. Even a Lost junkie like me can admit that the show got totally weird in later seasons and makes little to no sense, and that's probably the best thing on major cable. Fucking Cougar Town? Chuck? Random crime/forensics/law show? All the same.

Sure, you may rebuttle with "but Steve, what about premium cable? You know, the channels we pay an extra 15-60$ a month for?" Yeah, Showtime really puts out quality. I'd love to watch a show about a drug dealing Mom, you know, if the show was actually about that and not smuggling Mexican's over the border and a 13 year old who masturbates often (I'm talking about Weeds, just in case you're not following.) Or how about a show about a nurse who...oh wait, a medical show with a chick whose not hot, don't care. There's 15 seasons of ER I can watch, and at least I get to look forward to seeing John Stamos towards the end. I've never seen Dexter, and I know there's rabid fans out there (cough vince cough), but again, I just can't care about another crime/forensics show. "But Steve, there's so much more then that! He kills people, but he only kills bad people-" yeah save it. Those poster's I see in the subway with blood on his face AND A FUCKING BABY creep me out enough to say pass.

This is fucking weird everyone, sorry.

Do I even need to talk about Starz? They have one show. Crash? Really? Take a movie that any person with good taste thought was lame and just turn it into a show? The slogan is "There are no accidents in L.A." Man, not only do I not want to watch this show, but I sure as hell don't want to go to LA either, not that I really ever did.

However, there is one small light shining in the black abyss that is television programming nowadays, and that is HBO. Every show I am watching right now, or watch repeats of because I love it so much, comes from that network. Let's make a list!

Bored to Death
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Entourage
Hung
Eastbound and Down
Flight of the Conchords

Now, you probably expected this list to be longer, but I say, shut the fuck up. Not when you really dissect the quality of these SIX shows. Sure, HBO airs some junk (Does anyone actually like Realsex? If you do, your probably a convict or a pervert), but to have SIX quality shows when other networks can't have more then one is quite a feat.

I jumped on to the Curb Your Enthusiasm bandwagon late, but I must say, this show is absolutely fantastic. It's safe to say the situations Larry David creates for his fictional self are nothing short of genius, but where the show really shines is in the improv-ing skill of Jeff Garlin and all of the other supporting characters, whether they're regulars or guest appearances. This show makes me cringe, but in a good way.

Entourage is probably the weakest show in the lineup, but only because it really is about nothing other then awesome shit happening to a bunch of dudes. I don't know why particularly, but the show is just so enjoyable to watch for so many people. I would compare watching that show to smoking pot; it's a very social medium that brings people together. My quasi hipster, New York City art school kid self can get together with my beer guzzling, fraternizing bro friends to watch Vince fuck hot girls, Turtle smoke weed, and Lloyd be gay, and all have a good laugh.

(EDIT Entourage isn't just the weakest show on the line up, it's the weakest show since the weakest link GOODBYE! Lolz. Seriously though, if less happened on that show it would be considered an infomercial. Vince broke his nail the movies off! Oh wait, Vince got fake nails it's back on! Vince, you can't afford to buy us all cars! Oh wait, you can! It makes me feel like I have cancer. - Justin)

I at first was hesitant to like Hung, but after watching a few episodes, I noticed that not only does the show have heart and a promising narrative, but it's shot and color corrected BEAUTIFULLY. Every scene's color pallet is reflective of the mood of Ray, the well endowed but down on his luck prostitute that is the show's protagonist. I can't wait to see what they have in store for next season.

Eastbound and Down is one of THE funniest shows ever. Being a huge fan of Jody Hill's The Foot Fist Way, it was really no problem for me to start watching this show, as the humor is largely the same, just exaggerated x10 and about sports. Which is why I think everyone likes this show, even if they don't necessarily like The Foot Fist Way (or Observe and Report for that matter.) I'm glad Danny McBride and co. are finally getting the spot in the limelight they deserve; they're funny motherfuckers.

While Flight of the Conchords is largely about the music, which I of course love, what really makes the show special for me are the locations they shoot. They make Chinatown look like a really quirky and fun place to be, when in reality it's small as hell and smells really fucking bad, most of the time. While it isn't for everyone, I find the awkward, sometimes dark, mostly quirky humor of the show refreshing and different, and I can only hope they will make a third season.

And finally, Bored to Death for me is looking to be my new favorite show. Granted, I am a film noir junkie, and do let out a little 'yelp' of happiness every time I see a venetian blind, but that aside, the show is funny, well written, and even better cast and acted in. Jason Schwartzman plays the NYC self hating, alcohol drinking, pot smoking, pathetic Jew perfectly, and being backed by supporting characters played by Zach Galifianakis and Ted Danson doesn't hurt either. Actually, it does the opposite: it makes it really fucking funny. IF YOU'RE HIP, YOU'LL WATCH THIS SHOW.

"But Steve, what about True Blood, that sho-" SHUT THE FUCK UP. THERE WILL BE NO TALK OF VAMPIRES ON THIS BLOG, UNLESS THEY'RE GETTING SHOT OR STABBED, OR ANY OTHER VERSION OF DEADED. GO FUCKING DIE STEPHANIE MEYER, YOUR REALLY CLOSE TO RUINING POPULAR CULTURE.

Yeah I missed some shows, It's Always Sunny is good (although after the third season, it really changed)and The Office is cute (it's gonna get old realllll soon, just watch) and like I said before, I need to find out what the fuck is happening on that god damned Island. And yes, 30 Rock is good, I'll admit it. But every other show sucks really, just look at Heroes. How is that still on the air?

And why do all the good shows get canceled? (cough fireflyveronicamars cough) Well, I guess that's a rant for another blog post.

Anywho, hope you've enjoyed our journey through the shit filled tubes of the silver screen! I know I sure did!

And by the way, you can rant in the comments all you want how I skipped your show, or how this show is good and I'm wrong, but honestly, I don't give a shit about your opinion, because it's wrong.

Love,
Steve

(LAST EDIT I PROMISE The article Steve is talking about, an interview with Patton Oswalt, was specifically referring to Deadwood and the Wire as reasons we were in a golden age of TV, both shows missed by Steve, both on HBO. Fail. - Justin)